The Slasher Movie Rules & Regulations

The sounds of a serial killer stalking the room...
The squelch of the knife entering the victim's body...
The smell of the intestines that fell out of the victim...
The maniacal killer's laugh as he touched the corpse...

But enough about my 21st birthday party, Slasher movies suck now. Once upon a time, they didn't suck. The original Halloween still remains one of the slasher movies I've watched that didn't suck, because the mask that was used to cover Michael Myer's face was actually a halloween mask of William Shatner. If my future kids are reading this then read well... if you EVER decide to go as William Shatner for halloween then I'm putting you up for adoption.

After Michael Myers, I discovered the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then Friday the 13th. Then it all got shit. People started ripping off movies and not coming up with anything original apart from getting a bunch of teenagers going to some rural area to get killed. Nowadays, Slasher Movies are just an easy way out for directors who have no clue and no creativity. Don't know what movie to make? Make a slasher movie!

The reason Halloween, Texas Chainsaw and Friday 13th remain in my "not to be set on fire" list for movies is because they had something original. Now it's all about watching teenangers, played by 27 year olds, dying in stupid ways that could have been prevented. And yet these idiots could have survived if they followed this simple rules. And if you're dumb enough to find yourself on the wrong end of a machete wielding madman, then so can you.

1. Don't spend a weekend with your friends at a cabin away from civilisation.
   Seriously, anyone who suggests this to you for a nice weekend is an idiot. What the hell do you do in the middle of the woods anyway? Skinny-dipping in a pond that's no doubt full of pond-scum and bacteria? Even if someone doesn't shove a machete down your throat, your (or your boyfriends) dick would fall off from infection. Enjoy being a eunuch moron.
2. If you have sex, you're fucked in a way you didn't intend.
   Ever notice how the ones who are knee deep in vagina end up with an axe in their face? Yes, sex is awesome and I would highly recommend it but do you know what's even better than sex? Not getting a rectal exam from a chainsaw. Keep your dick in your pants lads.
3. Never read a book whose title is/contains or roughly translates to: demon creation/zombie summoning/opening to portal to hell/Twilight/Fifty Shades of Grey
   Reading any of the above books guarantees your eternal place in "The Halls of the Royally Screwed!"
4. Don't remain on your own in a freaky, dilapidated mansion.
   To be honest, I'm not sure why I have to reiterate that rule. It's amazing how stupid some people are.
5. If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you only find the cat. Run like hell...
   This goes double for if the room is tipped upside down like someone set a tornado off in the room.
6. The following phrases should never be uttered at any point.
   • Let's split up
   • Go investigate that noise
   • I think we're safe
   • Let's have sex
   • I'll be right back
   • Edward Cullen is soooo dreamy.
     
     ...god, I fucking hate Twilight.
7. If you actually manage to take down the killer, don't check to see if they're dead.Congratulations, you managed to beat the odds and get one over the killer. Now run you stupid fuck, out the front door and... no, don't go near the killer and check. Just turn around and... oh great, he's not dead and now you've got a knife in your throat you stupid dumb fuck.
8. If you see a red puddle from under the door after your friend screamed then run like hell!
   You really want to know what that red puddle is? Hint: It isn't Tomato Ketchup you moron.
9. If you're a virgin, pure of heart and female then you're guaranteed to live.
   So you've decided to not smoke weed, not have copious amounts of sex and you're a woman? Congratulations, you're going to live through this. Although seeing your friends being skinned alive will leave you with horrific mental scars that will last you for the rest of your life, you will walk out in one piece. So suck it up... pussy.
10. Take Ash with you at all times.
    Don't know who Ash is? Fear!
    
    

    

    Behold perfection!

    
    

    
    

    
    

    Let's run by what makes the man so awesome:
    • Awesome hair-style - Check
    • Chainsaw for a right hand - Check (Masturbation must be a bitch though...)
    • Proficient with usage of a Shotgun - Check
    • Played by Bruce Campbell - Check
    • Destroyed an entire legion of undead - Check
    • Destroyed an entire legion of undead... in the medieval period - Check
    • One-liners every time he does something awesome - Check
    • Was the original creator of the phrase, "Hail to the king!" which Duke Nukem ripped off and then claimed to parody? - Check
    
    That's right all you Duke Nukem fans... Duke isn't your king. Ash is! Duke Nukem may be well known for popularizing it but Ash said it first at the end of Ash vs. The Evil Dead. Rumour has it that Bruce Campbell was so pissed off that the creators of Duke Nukem didn't ask his permission to use his catchphrase that he went down to the main developers of Duke Nukem 3D and violently sodomized the lead developer with his chainsaw hand before setting his face on fire. And when they wanted to make Duke Nukem Forever, they were so scared of Bruce's legendary rage that they asked his permission by carving a letter into the lead developers corpse, offering Bruce Campbell a token gesture of fifty 18-year old, bikini-wearing supermodel porn stars to do what he wished with. Bruce Campbell was so smitten with the gesture that he only broke one of the messengers legs and, as a means of friendship, promised he wouldn't throw his broken and battered body off a cliff.
    He then proceeded to enter his mansion and have sex with the fifty porn stars whilst eating bacon.
    What a fucking hero!
    
    Actually, you know what... fuck those rules. If you want to survive a horror slasher flick then you just need to abide by this one simple rule:
    
    
    1. Ask yourself, "What would Ash/Bruce Campbell do?"
       If the answer doesn't involve violently murdering something with a Chainsaw or repeatedly shooting them with a Shotgun whilst spouting out one-liners, then you're wrong. And fucked. By simply asking yourself WWA/BD, you will survive any and all encounters with the undead. Don't believe me? Then watch this video of Ash in a shopping mall at the end of Army of Darkness.
    
    

                 I rest my fucking case.

The Dark Knight Rises

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

Yeah, you read it right. I didn't like The Dark Knight Rises. Sorry if that offends you... well, not really. If you've got offended by that last sentence and feel the need to fire of an email about how Christopher Nolan is awesome etc. then let me save you the trouble.
He made one OK Batman movie, one decent one and a mediocre one. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. After Joel Schumacher shat all over the Batman franchise with Batman and Robin, no-one at the movies even wanted to touch Batman anymore. Saying the word Batman gave studio executives a Vietnam War Flashback over the whole franchise and how much it failed. And then Christopher Nolan had this idea.

Chris: "Y'know, we could just tell our version of the story..."
Studio Exec's: "Wait? You can do that? Is that even allowed in Hollywood?"
Chris: "...remind me how you got rich off this business again?"

And BOOM! Batman Begins was shat out. Now Batman Begins wasn't perfect but it was a fucksight better than Batman and Robin. And everyone treated Christopher Nolan like he was the Movie Jesus or something because he thought about doing something that has been in comics countless times. And then he made the sequel, The Dark Knight, which made every single Batman fan, Film Critic and Movie Lover collectively cum in their pants. And he was hailed as the Movie God for making a fantastic sequel that was better than the first. Y'know, because NO-ONE has ever done that before...

So four years passed and Nolan decided to make The Dark Knight Rises and released it to the masses. And he was hailed as a Movie... erm...
Hang on... what's better than a God?
Erm... well, he made a shit load of money from it and now sleeps in a bed full of golden vaginas because of his success. That's how well he has done from all this. Well now it's been four months since it's been released and now the collective masses have finally stopped masturbating to The Dark Knight Rises, it's my turn to throw my towel into the ring.

Here's my problem with The Dark Knight Rises. It takes a step backwards in nearly every single aspect. Don't believe me. Fuck you, I'll explain.

1: The villain was basic
Compared to the complex villain that was The Joker, Bane was laughably basic in every department. He didn't even come up with his own plan for fuck sake, he stole someone else's and took it from there. At least Joker had a fantastic plan that even carried onto this movie. That's how badass the Joker is, one movie later and he was proven right about everything! I tell you, I love Joker so much that it borderlines on sexual arousal.

But Bane, well... he sucked. First of all he sounded like he was speaking from a yoghurt cup. I'm not sure why Christopher Nolan finds it so difficult but everyone who wore masks in the Batman sounded terrible. Batman sounded like he was in constant need of a lozange, Bane sounded like he was coming from everywhere at once and The Scarecrow... I've had bowel movements that could be understood better than whatever the fuck he was saying. I had to put the subtitles on to understand what Scarecrow was saying in the first movie, that's how illegible it was. What good is a villain if you can't understand him?

Scarecrow: "gurrrbllleshmerrrblegurrrble!"
Falcone: "Sorry, what? Speak English you moron."
Scarecrow: "gurrrrbleshmerrrbleferrrbledoooble..."
Falcone: "And why am I afraid of you again?"
**Falcone is doused with Fear Gas**

Falcone: "Oh yeah... that's why. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"





Bane is not the worst offender (that goes to Batman) but he certainly annoys me. His voice sounds like it's coming from all over the room and down a deep well. Seriously, that doesn't make you scary.


2: Plot was basic
So Batman is angry that the girl he wanted to pork was blown up by Joker and locked himself away for eight years. Bane comes along, brings the Hero out of retirement and fucks his shit up. Now here's the bit I hated. Bane decides not to kill Batman but instead throw him in a prison and forget about him. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. The only time that's ever gone wrong was in, what movie was that again... oh yeah: EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SUPERHERO MOVIE IN EXISTENCE!! What pisses me off about it is the fact Chris Nolan took extra special care in explaining why the villains in the previous movie didn't want to kill Batman. For Ra's Al Ghul, he wanted to make things even and show him that what he did was useless. For Joker, he liked Batman because he thought Bats was just as crazy as he was. Both two legitimately good reasons for not bumping off the hero. But Bane has no excuse, he was just lazy. And considering how hard he kicked Batman's ass when he first fought him, you'd think he'd finish the job. But no, Batman comes back and kicks Bane around City Hall and yadayada NEXT FUCKING POINT!

3: Ending was shit
So Batman basically tells Gordon who he is and flies off with a nuclear bomb strapped to his flying machine that's so not The Batwing. We see the last few seconds of Batman shaking up before KABOOM! The bomb explodes and takes Batman with it. OR DOES IT! The movie makes out like Batman is dead and then we get a final scene where we see Bruce Wayne alive in a coffee shop in France.

...
...

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU NOOOOOOLLLLLAAAAAN!!!

You can't make all that fuss about your hero being dead and then reveal he's not. That's called pussying out, you great big vagina you! You also have some explaining to do. How did Batman manage to get clear of a Nuclear Blast radius in five seconds or less?

This is a basic diagram of a Nuclear Weapon's blast radius. Anything in the first red circle is shitfucked on a molecular level. The second circle means you'll die a horrible fiery death. Third circle indicates moderate damage, you probably wouldn't survive it. Fourth indicates light damage, probably chances of death and nuclear fallout. Now according to this diagram, this is only an estimate for the damage as the people who normally get nuked aren't in any fit state to tell us the real scale of damage. But you also have winds that pick up the radiation and blow to to other cities, which them mean they get affected. So you see? In order for Batman to get clear of a nuclear radius, he would have had to have been going at an impossible speed. Also, taking the nuke out to see wouldn't have done much help. Sure, you'd have stopped Gotham from being destroyed but there's radiation to consider. Boy, I'd hate to be the air-traffic controller for Bludhaven in that movie...

Air-Traffic: "This is air-traffic control, we have detected an unidentified craft flying in our airspace."

 Batman: "Hey, Bats here. I'm carrying a nuke away from Gotham into the sea. It's about to get real hot where you guys are now... just warning you."

Air-Traffic: "Wait, what? You can't do that. The wind will carry the radiation towards our city without a doubt. And you'll poision the water supply... that's if the blast doesn't immediatley affect us. You have to turn back."

Batman: "Sorry what was that?  I couldn't hear you over the sound of my impossibly fast ejector seat."

Nice going Batman. You've turned an innocent little city into a nuclear blast-zone for the next few years. 

I could go on and on and on all day about why The Dark Knight Rises isn't the amazing cum-fest everyone makes it to be. It's not a terrible movie per say, but it isn't a fantastic one. It does what other movies have done before. Anyway, I'm growing tired of this subject now. And quite frankly, all this talk about nuclear destruction is giving me the horn.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

I hate this film. I really fucking hate this film. I'm not sure why I decided to actually watch it because I totally don't hate the Gene Wilder version. But no, I decided to go ahead and watch it and I hated every minute of it so you're going to sit down and listen to me describe why I hate it so much. Then you will leave without asking any questions or criticisms. Those are the rules.

The movie was directed by Tim "I just mindraped you" Burton, who is known for his flamboyant use of colours and imagery in an attempt to make us forget that the current movie of his we're watching doesn't have any coherent plot so to speak. See the big fat clusterfuck called "Alice in Wonderland" for more details. For this movie, Tim decides to do a rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. I say rendition, what I meant to type was buttfuck because that's what this movie is from start to finish.

First thing that I hate about this movie is Willy Wonka himself. Gene Wilder played the last version of Willy Wonka to hit the big screen and I totally didn't hate that version. It was pretty not terrible and I left the movie without the feeling of wanting to commit a mass genocide. But Johnny Depp's version of Willy Wonka looks like he's escaped from the men in white coats. He has a look on his face that is... well... see for your bloody self.

KEEP AWAY FROM MY KIDS!

See that look? It's the look he has on his face throughout the whole movie. It basically says to me that he wants to butcher everyone and play in their blood. Try not to think too hard on how I know about that look. Anyway, the premise of the movie is simple. Willy Wanker decides to let five little children into his factory to give them the grand tour. To decide on who gets to be allowed into his factory, he hides five golden tickets in bars of his chocolate. Our hero Charlie, who is so cuddly-wuddly that it's sickening, manages to bag the last golden ticket and thus gets the right to enter into the chocolate factory from hell along with four other little shits who are:

Augustus Gloop - Fat little shit

Veruca Salt - Spoilt little shit

Violet Beauregarde- Competitive Little Shit

Mike Teevee - Arrogant Little Shit

And when they enter the chocolate factory, Willy Wonker basically watches as all of the kids (apart from cuddly-wuddly Charlie) get fucked up in various different ways. Augustus ends up being squeezed through a tube after falling in a chocolate river, the pressure probably breaking a few bones in the process, Veruca gets molested by psycho squirrels before being thrown in a giant hole where Wonka cheerfully says she'll probably be set on fire, Violet turns into a giant purple hemorrhoid and Mike gets shrunken to the size of a goldfish.

What kind of fucking psycho is Willy Wonka to let this happen? I mean, I hate kids as much as the next bastard. But when I was watching Veruca get touched up by thousands of little squirrels, I almost felt sorry for her. Almost, but not quite. All Veruca ever does is bitch and moan to the point where I was preying that Tim Burton had written a line in where her father karate kicks the bitch in the kidneys just to shut her whining mouth up. No such luck though, all we get is molesty squirrels and Veruca being thrown in a giant bin with the possibility that someone will set her spoilt ass on fire. Fuck you Tim Burton. 

Speaking of Burton, the movie is the usual array of bright colors and flashing lights. Tim Burton seems to not suck at making bright colorful worlds that are designed to make the masses gape in awe and forget that a movie is meant to have a plot. Granted that all he had to do was follow the book closely which, to his credit, he does. But the movie still wreaks of style over substance since even following the plot of the movie can't help that. Take, for example, the Oompa Loompas in this version...

BLASPHEMY!!!!

This. Is. NOT. AN OOMPA LOOMA!

I don't know what the fuck Tim Burton was thinking or what he was smoking. But you have to be smoking spliffs the size of chair legs to think this is an acceptable substitute for an Oompa Loompa from the book. The Gene Wilder version had a version of the Oompa Loompa pulled straight from the book:

Wee-Man before Jackass.

These are how you fucking make Oompa Loompas. One thing I didn't hate about Oompa Loompas from Gene Wilder's version was the fact that it also gave birth to one of my favourite insults about women who use too much fake tan. But now the new version of the movie has taken that away from me. Thanks for bloody nothing Tim. What did I ever do to deserve that?

Anyway, Charlie is the only kid to survive the horror factory of chocolatey death and wins the grand prize. Taking a ride in the Wonka's giant Tardi-- err, I mean elevator, Wonka takes Charlie home to announce he has won Wonka's factory. But not before putting a fucking great big hole in the poor lad's shack. Seriously, Charlie lives in a shack with his parents and grandparents. They don't have much money and Willy Wonka decides to put a great big fucking hole in the roof when he first enters. Great job asshole, why don't you just kick the family cat whilst you're at it? Then he tells Charlie he has won the factory but, just to re-affirm his status as World's Biggest Dickhead, Wonka tells Charlie he isn't allowed to bring his family with him. So, whilst Charlie lives it up in the Chocolate Factory, Wonka is basically banishing his parents to a shack that now has no roof. Did I mention I think this version of Wonka is an asshole?

Charlie tells Wonka to shove his proposition, leaving Wonka to fly off in his giant, rocket powered glass deathcock. But Charlie helps bring Wonka back to his senses by reuniting him with his father who is played by, oh I don't believe this...

I have no words for this travesty!

WHY THE FUCK IS CHRISTOPHER LEE IN THIS MOVIE!??? He played Sarauman for fucks sake, one of the greatest badasses in recent movie history. He kicked ten kinds of shit out of Gandalf, raised an army and tried to blow up Middle Earth. And he would have gotten away with it if it too if it weren't for that meddling fellowship. But here, he's playing an asinine character that didn't exist in the book. No-one cares about Willy Wonka's father at all, why did Tim Burton feel the need to put him in?

Anyway, the movie ends and I sit there in shock before deciding that this film needs to go fuck itself. It is not worth watching and it's 115 minutes of time that I could have used to do something less painful, like slam a car-door onto my cock for instance.

...

And the title music/end credit music is shit as well.