The squelch of the knife entering the victim's body...
The smell of the intestines that fell out of the victim...
The maniacal killer's laugh as he touched the corpse...
But enough about my 21st birthday party, Slasher movies suck now. Once upon a time, they didn't suck. The original Halloween still remains one of the slasher movies I've watched that didn't suck, because the mask that was used to cover Michael Myer's face was actually a halloween mask of William Shatner. If my future kids are reading this then read well... if you EVER decide to go as William Shatner for halloween then I'm putting you up for adoption.
After Michael Myers, I discovered the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then Friday the 13th. Then it all got shit. People started ripping off movies and not coming up with anything original apart from getting a bunch of teenagers going to some rural area to get killed. Nowadays, Slasher Movies are just an easy way out for directors who have no clue and no creativity. Don't know what movie to make? Make a slasher movie!
The reason Halloween, Texas Chainsaw and Friday 13th remain in my "not to be set on fire" list for movies is because they had something original. Now it's all about watching teenangers, played by 27 year olds, dying in stupid ways that could have been prevented. And yet these idiots could have survived if they followed this simple rules. And if you're dumb enough to find yourself on the wrong end of a machete wielding madman, then so can you.
- Don't spend a weekend with your friends at a cabin away from civilisation.
Seriously, anyone who suggests this to you for a nice weekend is an idiot. What the hell do you do in the middle of the woods anyway? Skinny-dipping in a pond that's no doubt full of pond-scum and bacteria? Even if someone doesn't shove a machete down your throat, your (or your boyfriends) dick would fall off from infection. Enjoy being a eunuch moron. - If you have sex, you're fucked in a way you didn't intend.
Ever notice how the ones who are knee deep in vagina end up with an axe in their face? Yes, sex is awesome and I would highly recommend it but do you know what's even better than sex? Not getting a rectal exam from a chainsaw. Keep your dick in your pants lads. - Never
read a book whose title is/contains or roughly translates to: demon
creation/zombie summoning/opening to portal to hell/Twilight/Fifty
Shades of Grey
Reading any of the above books guarantees your eternal place in "The Halls of the Royally Screwed!" - Don't remain on your own in a freaky, dilapidated mansion.
To be honest, I'm not sure why I have to reiterate that rule. It's amazing how stupid some people are. - If you hear a noise and go to investigate, and you only find the cat. Run like hell...
This goes double for if the room is tipped upside down like someone set a tornado off in the room. - The following phrases should never be uttered at any point.
- Let's split up
- Go investigate that noise
- I think we're safe
- Let's have sex
- I'll be right back
- Edward Cullen is soooo dreamy.
...god, I fucking hate Twilight.
- If you actually manage to take down the killer, don't check to see if they're dead.Congratulations, you managed to beat the odds and get one over the killer. Now run you stupid fuck, out the front door and... no, don't go near the killer and check. Just turn around and... oh great, he's not dead and now you've got a knife in your throat you stupid dumb fuck.
- If you see a red puddle from under the door after your friend screamed then run like hell!
You really want to know what that red puddle is? Hint: It isn't Tomato Ketchup you moron. - If you're a virgin, pure of heart and female then you're guaranteed to live.
So you've decided to not smoke weed, not have copious amounts of sex and you're a woman? Congratulations, you're going to live through this. Although seeing your friends being skinned alive will leave you with horrific mental scars that will last you for the rest of your life, you will walk out in one piece. So suck it up... pussy. - Take Ash with you at all times.
Don't know who Ash is? Fear!
Behold perfection! - Awesome hair-style - Check
- Chainsaw for a right hand - Check (Masturbation must be a bitch though...)
- Proficient with usage of a Shotgun - Check
- Played by Bruce Campbell - Check
- Destroyed an entire legion of undead - Check
- Destroyed an entire legion of undead... in the medieval period - Check
- One-liners every time he does something awesome - Check
- Was the original creator of the phrase, "Hail to the king!" which Duke Nukem ripped off and then claimed to parody? - Check
That's right all you Duke Nukem fans... Duke isn't your king. Ash is! Duke Nukem may be well known for popularizing it but Ash said it first at the end of Ash vs. The Evil Dead. Rumour has it that Bruce Campbell was so pissed off that the creators of Duke Nukem didn't ask his permission to use his catchphrase that he went down to the main developers of Duke Nukem 3D and violently sodomized the lead developer with his chainsaw hand before setting his face on fire. And when they wanted to make Duke Nukem Forever, they were so scared of Bruce's legendary rage that they asked his permission by carving a letter into the lead developers corpse, offering Bruce Campbell a token gesture of fifty 18-year old, bikini-wearing supermodel porn stars to do what he wished with. Bruce Campbell was so smitten with the gesture that he only broke one of the messengers legs and, as a means of friendship, promised he wouldn't throw his broken and battered body off a cliff.
He then proceeded to enter his mansion and have sex with the fifty porn stars whilst eating bacon.
What a fucking hero!
Actually, you know what... fuck those rules. If you want to survive a horror slasher flick then you just need to abide by this one simple rule:- Ask yourself, "What would Ash/Bruce Campbell do?"
If the answer doesn't involve violently murdering something with a Chainsaw or repeatedly shooting them with a Shotgun whilst spouting out one-liners, then you're wrong. And fucked. By simply asking yourself WWA/BD, you will survive any and all encounters with the undead. Don't believe me? Then watch this video of Ash in a shopping mall at the end of Army of Darkness.
