Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

I hate this film. I really fucking hate this film. I'm not sure why I decided to actually watch it because I totally don't hate the Gene Wilder version. But no, I decided to go ahead and watch it and I hated every minute of it so you're going to sit down and listen to me describe why I hate it so much. Then you will leave without asking any questions or criticisms. Those are the rules.

The movie was directed by Tim "I just mindraped you" Burton, who is known for his flamboyant use of colours and imagery in an attempt to make us forget that the current movie of his we're watching doesn't have any coherent plot so to speak. See the big fat clusterfuck called "Alice in Wonderland" for more details. For this movie, Tim decides to do a rendition of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. I say rendition, what I meant to type was buttfuck because that's what this movie is from start to finish.

First thing that I hate about this movie is Willy Wonka himself. Gene Wilder played the last version of Willy Wonka to hit the big screen and I totally didn't hate that version. It was pretty not terrible and I left the movie without the feeling of wanting to commit a mass genocide. But Johnny Depp's version of Willy Wonka looks like he's escaped from the men in white coats. He has a look on his face that is... well... see for your bloody self.

KEEP AWAY FROM MY KIDS!

See that look? It's the look he has on his face throughout the whole movie. It basically says to me that he wants to butcher everyone and play in their blood. Try not to think too hard on how I know about that look. Anyway, the premise of the movie is simple. Willy Wanker decides to let five little children into his factory to give them the grand tour. To decide on who gets to be allowed into his factory, he hides five golden tickets in bars of his chocolate. Our hero Charlie, who is so cuddly-wuddly that it's sickening, manages to bag the last golden ticket and thus gets the right to enter into the chocolate factory from hell along with four other little shits who are:

Augustus Gloop - Fat little shit

Veruca Salt - Spoilt little shit

Violet Beauregarde- Competitive Little Shit

Mike Teevee - Arrogant Little Shit

And when they enter the chocolate factory, Willy Wonker basically watches as all of the kids (apart from cuddly-wuddly Charlie) get fucked up in various different ways. Augustus ends up being squeezed through a tube after falling in a chocolate river, the pressure probably breaking a few bones in the process, Veruca gets molested by psycho squirrels before being thrown in a giant hole where Wonka cheerfully says she'll probably be set on fire, Violet turns into a giant purple hemorrhoid and Mike gets shrunken to the size of a goldfish.

What kind of fucking psycho is Willy Wonka to let this happen? I mean, I hate kids as much as the next bastard. But when I was watching Veruca get touched up by thousands of little squirrels, I almost felt sorry for her. Almost, but not quite. All Veruca ever does is bitch and moan to the point where I was preying that Tim Burton had written a line in where her father karate kicks the bitch in the kidneys just to shut her whining mouth up. No such luck though, all we get is molesty squirrels and Veruca being thrown in a giant bin with the possibility that someone will set her spoilt ass on fire. Fuck you Tim Burton. 

Speaking of Burton, the movie is the usual array of bright colors and flashing lights. Tim Burton seems to not suck at making bright colorful worlds that are designed to make the masses gape in awe and forget that a movie is meant to have a plot. Granted that all he had to do was follow the book closely which, to his credit, he does. But the movie still wreaks of style over substance since even following the plot of the movie can't help that. Take, for example, the Oompa Loompas in this version...

BLASPHEMY!!!!

This. Is. NOT. AN OOMPA LOOMA!

I don't know what the fuck Tim Burton was thinking or what he was smoking. But you have to be smoking spliffs the size of chair legs to think this is an acceptable substitute for an Oompa Loompa from the book. The Gene Wilder version had a version of the Oompa Loompa pulled straight from the book:

Wee-Man before Jackass.

These are how you fucking make Oompa Loompas. One thing I didn't hate about Oompa Loompas from Gene Wilder's version was the fact that it also gave birth to one of my favourite insults about women who use too much fake tan. But now the new version of the movie has taken that away from me. Thanks for bloody nothing Tim. What did I ever do to deserve that?

Anyway, Charlie is the only kid to survive the horror factory of chocolatey death and wins the grand prize. Taking a ride in the Wonka's giant Tardi-- err, I mean elevator, Wonka takes Charlie home to announce he has won Wonka's factory. But not before putting a fucking great big hole in the poor lad's shack. Seriously, Charlie lives in a shack with his parents and grandparents. They don't have much money and Willy Wonka decides to put a great big fucking hole in the roof when he first enters. Great job asshole, why don't you just kick the family cat whilst you're at it? Then he tells Charlie he has won the factory but, just to re-affirm his status as World's Biggest Dickhead, Wonka tells Charlie he isn't allowed to bring his family with him. So, whilst Charlie lives it up in the Chocolate Factory, Wonka is basically banishing his parents to a shack that now has no roof. Did I mention I think this version of Wonka is an asshole?

Charlie tells Wonka to shove his proposition, leaving Wonka to fly off in his giant, rocket powered glass deathcock. But Charlie helps bring Wonka back to his senses by reuniting him with his father who is played by, oh I don't believe this...

I have no words for this travesty!

WHY THE FUCK IS CHRISTOPHER LEE IN THIS MOVIE!??? He played Sarauman for fucks sake, one of the greatest badasses in recent movie history. He kicked ten kinds of shit out of Gandalf, raised an army and tried to blow up Middle Earth. And he would have gotten away with it if it too if it weren't for that meddling fellowship. But here, he's playing an asinine character that didn't exist in the book. No-one cares about Willy Wonka's father at all, why did Tim Burton feel the need to put him in?

Anyway, the movie ends and I sit there in shock before deciding that this film needs to go fuck itself. It is not worth watching and it's 115 minutes of time that I could have used to do something less painful, like slam a car-door onto my cock for instance.

...

And the title music/end credit music is shit as well.